After a horrible last month, I am back and better than ever. STRONGER than ever! I may have lost everything, and by everything I mean my kids, my credit, some friends and even some family. I am not letting this swallow me up. I am not letting the emotional abuse of the past weigh me down. There is no leverage left to pin me with. I may have been down for a while, but I am most certainly not out. I was backed into the corner as far as I could be and I held my ground and now I am coming out swinging. I am taking back what is worth salvaging, cutting the rest loose and moving on. Taking no prisoners. If you aren't with me then you better move out of the way. I am taking out obstacles by whatever means necessary.

One wrong decision can change everything.


My mother drilled that into my brain growing up. It's funny that I applied that only to things I considered wrong or dangerous. It never occurred to me that this was the case in all aspects of life.
Now I can look back on decisions I made and clearly see the right choice vs. the choice I made. Good ol' hindsight!

So that means I've learned my lesson... Right?


Yeah right!

I have learned that sometimes right now, and right months from now, and even right years from now are not guarantees of right forever. Sadly, learning this has made me doubt every turn of my right now. It takes the fun out of moments that should become happy memories, and I really could use some of those after the year I have been having.

Whenever things start to feel normal my ex goes and reminds me how crazy my life really is. It saddens me to think that my life is going to continue to be this way. Life sure is handing out the lemons lately.

It's almost time to move. Just 4 more days,well 3 I guess if you consider that we are moving on day 4. I should be excited but I am anything but. I keep wondering if I am making a mistake. I can't remember a time, in my entire life, when I felt like moving was a good thing. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point because it is happening. I am praying for good weather and that I wake up on moving day in a good mood.

It's about time to catch up on all my crazy emotional drama.

The job has been quite the rollercoaster. It is one of those jobs that you just love to hate some days. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the bathroom and broken down in the middle stall. Not really because of work, life has been rough and the added stress of getting the store open just did me in some days. I am pretty proud of myself for sticking it out. I am definitely in a take no shit place in my life these days. I am quick to call BS and walk away.

The boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch. He is new to the whole relationship song and dance and I just find his cluelessness a tad bit frustrating at times. Ok a lot of times. I am still trying to get used to a different life than I once lived. He really is the most amazing guy though and if you have any doubts just sit back and listen to this...

After all the craziness of the past 7 months things seemed to be settling down, we've been living together at his place and falling into a comfortable rhythm. Enter a guy I haven't seen or heard from in 18 years. How ridiculous is it that I can say it has been that long since anything?! I don't feel that old...most days. Anyway...
This guy was the love of my middle school life.I was absolutely devastated when I lost him. We never really had a chance then....but now? Things picked up right where they left off. Conversations were so easy. There were possibilities... enough of them that I told the BF all about it. I'm no cheater. AAANNDD I jumped through a ton of hoops to get out of town one weekend to go and see him. With a no sex disclaimer. I didn't even feel a tiny bit of hesitation, not even walking into that hotel room and seeing him for the first time in forever. OMG!! He was such a sight. I swear you have no idea how much you miss somebody... Having his arms wrapped around me and breathing in the smell of him was... STUPID DISCLAIMER! I haven't felt so complete in a long time. If ever there were soulmates... Leaving him again after all these years broke me. Literally. After I got back home I was so lonely for him. He really was taken aback by all of it I guess because he completely shut down and I didn't hear from him. I was stressing out so much over all the feelings I had crashing around in my brain that my body started fighting back. I was in ridiculous, immobilizing pain. The boyfriend was by my side through all the tears and pain. In the ER, up all night with me because the pain was unbearable. All the while knowing all I wanted was someone else. What kind of man does such a thing? How much must he really love me to endure such treatment? I couldn't have felt worse, I nearly lost my job because I just said screw it and wallowed in my misery. I finally snapped out of the ridiculous state I had put myself in and got a grip on reality again. Well as much as I could muster anyway.

I know that I love that lost love and always will, but he is just that. A love lost. A love missed. A love wanted. A love too late. He is also a friend I would move mountains for and will fiercely protect. He is a friend I can't wait to get away and visit again. He is a friend that is so much more than a friend because of our history. I still hear his voice in my head and sometimes I have to whisper to him to shut up. Yes, I know it sounds crazy. 

The boyfriend is home. He is all that is good and right. We have put a ton of blood, sweat and tears into this relationship. If ever there were two people that were meant to be together... I truly do love him and all that he is. I know that he would move mountains to make me happy and I do my best to do the same for him. After all that has happened I'm sure I'm not worthy of all that love and devotion.

So there it is, the whole ugly, terrible truth. I know I am a terrible person. I know. I do. Knowing it doesn't change how I feel even a little bit though.

I miss my blog! Work is insane and there is just not enough time in the day. So much to catch up on and I promise I will as soon as I have a day off. I don't even know what one of those look like any more.

Life feels unbearable right now. Things are becoming dramatic with the ex again. He loves to call me names and tear me down...even after all this time. Even knowing it is all he has...just hateful words...they still hurt.
Then there is this whole heartbreaking mess between myself, the BF, and an old love who has recently resurfaced. I can't even get into that whole situation. I'm sorry. I sound like such a tease. My heart has no idea what it wants these days. Or maybe it does, but my head doesn't agree with it. Either way I have wound up in a crazy limbo while old love figures out how he feels.The BF is just patiently waiting for an outcome...who is this man??  Who just waits? Doesn't that just tell me all I need to know?
On top of the relationship drama stressing me out... I have a job with the pay I have been hoping for, amazing co-workers, weekends off (for now) and I hate it. It is physically exhausting and with everything else going on in my life I feel so run down. No... I actually am run down. My kidneys are fighting back against all the stress I am under. My white cell count is up, but no signs of infection...I feel like I have been beat up. Now it's antibiotics to start trying to get this under control, painkillers so I don't just keel over from agony, and tests on top of tests.
I keep saying that all I want is peace in my life. No drama. Just love, peace and happiness.

Life sure has been crazy lately. Some AMAZING AWESOME SURPRISING moments have made all the sad depressing negative ones tolerable. I think July's take away is going to be... For all I think I have figured out, there are still plenty of things waiting to be discovered.

No one and I mean NO ONE has the power to take away my happiness.Not any more. I refuse to let it happen again. I refuse to stoop to the level of others and engage in drama and foolishness. They can exhaust themselves with their efforts, but in the end they will be the unhappy ones. Unhappier than they clearly already are. I have too much to be happy about.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and wants nothing more than for us to be happy together. We aren't letting anyone or anything come between us.

I have awesome children. I love them like mad.

I still have my Lulu...and someday she will be with me again. Until then I'll smile and know that I was the bigger person.

I have an awesome job and can easily meet my bills.

My faith is strong.

I am strong.

I can't even believe 6 months have gone by already. This whole starting my life over process has been a rough road. Being broke has definitely not improved my mood, but it has made me realize that I can survive.Even if just barely. Broke or not I am always planning my next move. I am all about making things happen.

What a shitty day this turned out to be. Woke up in a good mood too. Isn't that always the way.

All I wanted to do was get some stuff taken care of at home so I could be prepared for work in the morning, and try to start planning the boyfriend's birthday. Once I got all of that done I was going to have the rest of the day and night to spend with the boyfriend.

Little did I know that shit was going to hit the fan. You know sometimes you see it coming, but this time... This time I was totally taken by surprise.

So much hatefulness and negativity still find ways to creep into my life. All I want is to be happy with my boyfriend and my kids and our dog. Is that really too much to ask?

I pray for peace,love and happiness to be in our lives on a daily basis. I pray for negative influences to be kept out of our heads,hearts, and home.

Tonight while I am lying in bed crying I am praying that my boyfriend knows just how much I love him. I am not praying for the sleep I am losing, that tomorrow will be an easy day at work, or to make it so that none of the events of the day happened. All I pray for is him, for love, for our family. Not one prayer for myself,not even a tiny one.

Had a great day at work. Love my bosses and co-workers. Such a fun team to work with. Then I came home and...Let there be drama. I can't even have one full day of peace and relaxation. I still can't make plans for my future because this job didn't come with a signing bonus. I am so sick of other people being able to control my life. I feel like a teenager saying just wait until my checks start rolling in, then I am so outta here. Don't call me. Don't come over.Just don't!

There is nothing like being woken up by a screaming child who does not belong to you, followed by an adult shouting back at said child. All this before 7 a.m. All this before my alarm went off at 6:45. Needless to say I am not to be messed with this morning. So ready to get this work day started!

Today was pretty fantastic! I spent the afternoon with my two favorite guys, and a couple bonus sweeties. I am not even joking when I tell you that the boyfriend has the most adorable little cousins. I am so in love with  the baby I don't even have time to take pictures. I am just too busy loving every minute. Her big brother is such a ham, he keeps everyone entertained.

It is sort of hilarious to see how the boyfriend interacts with the little ones. You can see is somewhat uncomfortable with the whole thing, but he is truly awesome with kids. He'll be an awesome daddy some day.

The best part of this day was the moment we walked into the boyfriends mom's house and I introduced my son to his grandma. My son is at that socially awkward, early teens shy stage where he really doesn't know how to deal with certain situations. When she said hello and pulled him in for a hug I was shocked.Then I heard her tell him that we are family and we hug not shake hands. My heart absolutely melted. To hear her say we were family was awesome. I certainly feel that way. It was a pretty special moment for me.

 I am so glad that the boyfriend spent his day off spending time with his family. They are such wonderful people and I love them to bits. I have never felt so welcomed and loved. God has truly blessed me this year.

via

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything."

Remember to put the glass down.

How lucky am I to have such an amazing, supportive boyfriend?!

REALLY FREAKING LUCKY!!!!  No, Really.

He is so sweet to be letting me stay with him as much as I want to while I am dealing with my living situation drama. I know he is so ready for me to start the new job so he can have his space back. He is trying so hard not to let me see his frustration with my invasion. I love him so much for being there for me. I know he has no idea how important it is to me that he is just there.

Things have been so crazy these past few months and he has been my rock. Wherever he is, is my peace. He is where I feel like I can find myself and rest.

He came into my life at a ridiculously difficult time and has been unwaveringly steady, and positive.When I think about all he has stood by side through... drama with the ex, the terrible sadness and depression over not having my kids with me, the craziness and chaos that is my family, fights we have had because of all the stress in my life, me walking out on not just one but two jobs.

I am so blessed to have this man in my life and thank God for him every day.

Thank you so much babe, for being there for me. For all the hugs. For holding my hand. For listening to me rant. For wiping my tears. For letting me fall asleep on your chest. For never letting me fall.

I can never begin to thank you enough. I love you so very very much!

UGH!! That pretty much sums up my mood today. I am beyond frustrated with my current living situation. It is not easy to move back home and live with your family after being out on your own for 16 yrs.
I miss having my own life. I miss things being quiet and clean. I miss cooking in my own kitchen, whenever the mood strikes. I miss being able to come home and relax. Right now just the very thought of going home makes me feel so much aggravation, so much frustration, so much stress.

It makes me feel terrible to feel anything less than happy to see my family. There has been so much drama these past few months due to some issues with my little sister, and adding that on top of my own personal issues is making life unbearable. Not just my own. Life is really taking a toll on everyone I love right now.

This day did not start out very well.

Waking up at quarter til 5 because you feel something crawling on you is no way to start the day. 

I don't even actually remember feeling something crawling on me. It was more like waking up and just knowing. My body was reacting before my brain woke me up. Can someone tell me why it is that when we feel something crawling on us we instinctively fling it across the room instead of killing it? Is it just me? Am I just such a fraidy cat that I need to create distance before death? I can accept that. Anyway, you know I screamed like a little girl, well maybe not as loudly as I normally would. There were other people in the house sleeping. The boyfriend, however, was gonna have to deal with. Sorry babe! We didn't find it so I couldn't go back to sleep. You know it was going to have to come back to finish the job, right?!

Naturally, I had to text mom immediately to share. Misery loves company ya know. THANK GOD she messaged me back, and that I dropped my cell phone under the bed, which in turn scared the critter out of hiding (under the bed...told you it was coming back to finish the job). Of course I had to scream across the house for the boyfriend to hurry up and come and kill it.

After all that excitement who could just go back to sleep?

So, I spent the morning working on the blogs. I am pretty happy with the results so far. Still have some more tweaks I'd like to make, but I gotta figure out how to actually go about those.

Stay tuned...

This is currently my favorite picture. I love that you can see how happy I am. I have never been this happy in my entire life. I freaking take pictures of us whenever I can. I feel like I need to capture all of this happiness, I don't really know why because I am confident we will have a lifetime of happiness together.

I died. Seriously! Just.... YES, PLEASE!!

It's been a great day and as much as I don't want it to end, I am up past my bedtime.
Wish I was cuddling up to the boyfriend. I love the feel of him. He is always just the perfect temperature.That perfect mix of warm and cool. Like a down comforter. They manage to be so comfy and keep you warm, but they actually stay quite cool. I always feel so safe snuggled up against his chest. Missing my man tonight.

It's funny how things change on such a huge scale when you change.

When you no longer allow people to walk all over you... Why no, it is absolutely not okay for you to treat me this way any longer. I'm sorry this is a problem for you. Perhaps you can find some else to trample on and bring down.

When you no longer allow a person to lie to you... I'm sorry I just prefer the company of people who are confident enough in their own self to stand behind what they say and do.

When you no longer resort to degrading yourself by participating in shouting, name calling, and fighting... I don't think I'm a better person than you. I just know I am better than the situation you are trying to drag me into.

Becoming a happier, healthier, all around better person takes a lot of work. There are so many people who you will see differently once you see yourself differently. You find out who your true friends are real fast.

So I'm sorry if someone doesn't like this better version of myself. I will continue to be this person and it becomes their own choice on how they live their lives. I will not be sorry for cutting those people out of my life who do not love, respect and encourage the person I am now.

Whoo! This day had so many ups and downs it needed a height requirement. I'm happy to say it ended on a positive note so I'll just let that erase all the bad bits. I love my guys so much! Especially MY guy though!! I am a terrible girlfriend and forgot what day it was. In my defense, as I mentioned, it was a CRAZY day.
#happy20th  #lovemymyles

If I could wake up every morning for the rest of my life to his face that would be enough. There is nothing else in this world that compares to the the first moments after I open my eyes and see him. I can't help but touch his face. I love how he barely wakes up at my touch, but he smiles this incredibly sexy smile and pulls me close, kisses me softly and wraps his arms around me. I love the way he smells, how strong his arms are and the solid feel of his chest. There is absolutely nothing better...
ABSOLUTE COMPLETE & TOTAL PERFECTION.

I love nights like these. When I can't sleep because all I can do is think about him. I can hear his voice in my head and it makes me smile. Being too excited to sleep because I know I will see him tomorrow. Haven't gotten to enjoy this feeling in a long time.

I am well past the age of believing that ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. Don't get me wrong love is definitely a powerful emotion, but love alone is not enough to keep a relationship alive.

When I think of all the things that really make up a relationship and keep it healthy and loving these are just a handful of the words that come to mind.

TRUST

HONESTY

LOYALTY

RESPECT

COMMITMENT

I'm looking at this list and thinking to myself... How are the boyfriend and I still together?

It's no secret that I have TRUST issues. I grew up in a broken family. I married a man who lied to me and cheated on me. I thought I could trust the boyfriend, but then came recent revelations... Yeah, not so much.

To be fair, he broke my trust by trying to spare my feelings, but I need to know that no matter what the consequences may be I can trust him to tell me the truth.

Clearly, TRUST & HONESTY go hand in hand. Even the tiniest lies do terrible amounts of damage to a relationship. I have always been the type of person that will just come out and tell a person what I think, have a problem with, want... to a fault even. I won't say that I have never lied.Rather to spare someone's feelings or to save my ass, I'm just as guilty as the next person. Typically the people I have lied to aren't ones I respect, love, or care for. The older I have gotten though, the more honest I have become. Hey, THE TRUTH HURTS, but it will also set you free.

I can't think of a better quality in a person than LOYALTY. I am fiercely loyal to my family and friends, and of course to the boyfriend. I will stand by the ones I love until the very end. Thus far there hasn't been an instance, to my knowledge, that his loyalty to me has been an issue. For me, I feel like I am always standing up for him in some way or another, and I do so immediately and with not a bit of hesitation.

I really don't feel like you can say that you love someone if you don't RESPECT that person. I am a firm believer that RESPECT IS EARNED and not a right. I believe if you want someone to respect you then you must have respect for yourself. I do believe there can be varying degrees of respect, but for me in a relationship if you don't have the utmost respect for your partner, you should probably be questioning why you are with that person.

The bottom line is a relationship is a COMMITMENT. Period. You have committed yourself to another person. I have such a hard time hearing people say they aren't ready for something serious,yet they want the relationship. Relationships are serious. They are serious work. If you aren't ready to be serious then don't enter into the relationship, what you are looking for is a friendship.

Then there are words like...

COMPROMISE

PATIENCE

UNDERSTANDING

I am more than willing to COMPROMISE where certain things are concerned. It's important to meet each other half way and to make an effort to work through all the issues that come up along the way. You can't expect one person to do all the compromising though. Eventually that person gets tired and becomes unwilling to bend.

They say PATIENCE is a virtue. Well, I'm pretty sure when the BIG GUY was doling out gifts he skipped me on this one. I have never been one to sit back and just wait to see what happens. Perhaps I miss out on some beautiful WOW moments by being in such a hurry, but then how can you miss what never was. I fully appreciate and enjoy every moment of the RUSH that is my life. Sometimes I'll even slow down a second, maybe rewind a moment and enjoy it all over again, but then I am off and running. Jumping head first into the next AMAZING moment. Maybe I do need to learn to slow things down, maybe I'd even enjoy life at a slower pace. I'm sure it has it moments. I just know that TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN. We are not promised tomorrow with the ones we love, so why wait for the sure thing...there is no such thing anyway.

I'm as UNDERSTANDING as the next person. Some of you who know me may be laughing at this point. I understand that we are all unique individuals. I understand that my way doesn't work for everyone. I understand that change is difficult for some people. OLD HABITS DIE HARD. I can't understand letting what could be the best thing in your life escape you because you are afraid to change. The world is constantly changing, ever evolving, and so then do we.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

This is always one of my favorite days of the year.I like to think of my birthday as my own personal New Years Day. I take some time to reflect on the past year...take some lessons with me and let the rest go. I make a new list of goals and wishes for the year.

I keep them secret, just like you are supposed to, otherwise they won't come true. I can tell you one thing though... There are some pretty fantastic things floating around in my head these days.

I actually started this post on my birthday, before it turned to crap. I had no idea that it was going to be an entire week of crappiness. And when I say crap I mean it. Each day has been worst than the last. In the end there was no celebrating with friends and/or family. All I got was another year older just like every year before. Oh, there was the near destruction of my relationship with the boyfriend,who btw changed the plans we had made for my birthday to be able to go play some imaginary fucking card game. Yes. He went and did it anyway, even knowing how hurt I was by the whole situation.


HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO ME INDEED!!

There is no feeling worse than feeling alone. Being alone by choice is one thing because there is a sense of peace in that. Being alone because no one cares enough to be with you is completely different.Not being able to ask someone to stay with you because you know there are other things they would rather be doing hurts.

Things have been crazy with the boyfriend lately. We have both been under a lot of stress and things are coming to a head. I truly don't want to lose him. I love him so much but I am so hurt. He said things to me yesterday that ripped my heart right out of my chest and ground it to a fine dust. I want to move on from it. I want us to work it out and be stronger together because of all we have gone through. I just don't know if I can. To make matters worse I know that I am going to be upset with him again tomorrow. I am already upset about it and it's not even here yet, but knowing that plans we made for my birthday have been changed so he can go play some imaginary card game make me feel worthless. It is all I can do to not cry.

Our friends tell me how much he loves me. His mother tells me she knows how much he cares about me.
I can't see it any more. I can't feel it any more. I just hear him saying "It's over" and that he is trying to give me closure over and over again in my mind. I am so heartbroken. I am so afraid that we are really over and he doesn't want me. Even worse I am afraid he will continue to lie to me to "spare my feelings" and I will never be the same. I feel like every bit of happiness has left me.


To know the way I feel...

I love him beyond all sense of reason. He is truly the love of my life.

I love everything about him and don't want to change who he is. And I want to change everybody and their mama.

I want a future with this man.

I want children with this man.



To know how he feels...

He doesn't want to move in with me because he isn't ready and may never be.

He thinks I am trying to change him.

He has a voice in his head telling him that we aren't going to work.

He wants to come and go from my life on his schedule.

He lies to me to "spare my feelings".



All I can think about is how much I love him. How much I wish I could forget the things he said. How much I wish all of this is an awful nightmare I am going to wake up from and all will be right with the world again.

I love him enough to let him go if that is what he wants. God knows it would kill me, but I love him that much. I am terrified to live a lie and the last thing I want is to destroy this beautiful man.

Let's play catch up with the job situation today.

After not working for five years ( I was home with my kids ) I went back to work seasonally for Target. This seemed like an excellent idea... Redcard discount + employee discount + coupons = Hell Yeah!! The hours were crap but that's retail for ya. It never bothered me too much because I was used to pulling long shifts from back when I managed a Beall's Outlet ( best/worst job ever ) in Florida. So, Target kept me on after I pretty much begged to keep my job. It really wasn't for the discount at this point,the whole we're getting a divorce and I'm leaving right now with nothing was happening. Enter Myles, ( aka LOVE OF MY LIFE ) and co-worker. Who knew that Target could bring me so much awesomeness?! Sadly, the love affair with Target was destined to end. I know I am this amazing work horse of a woman but EVERY WEEKEND, C'mon! I requested a schedule change so that I could either be off evenings on Saturday or mornings on Sunday for Church. I was really missing that part of my life and felt a sudden overwhelming urge to correct the matter. When they wouldn't even consider working on a compromise of any kind. I did the unthinkable... I walked out. A tiny bit afraid. A whole lot pissed off. Very proud that I was still standing my ground and continuing the take no shit from anyone attitude I had at one time abandoned.

An entire month went by... maybe even a little more than that. I lost track as the jobless depression set in. Lord knows I was applying to everything possible.

I finally got a call back from Ross and interviewed for a management position that never happened. They really could have used me that's for sure. I took the crap part time position they offered and kept up the job search. There was all sorts of talk about making me front end management, but YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE. I got a call for an interview after just two weeks for a brand new store coming to town that I had applied for a management position with. I was not going to let another one get past me. I am damn good at my job and after all the shit I have been dealing with I damn well deserve a great job.

I was offered that assistant manager position on the spot. Thank you FLOOR & DECOR for seeing my amazingness!! That has to have been the best day in years for me. Finally!! The only downside is the store isn't quite built yet and that puts me at Ross for an entire month and a half. Ha! No it doesn't. I took another giant risk ( or leap of faith depending on how you look at it ) and walked out on them. I would have gladly kept working for them had there been even an ounce of respect given to me. Those folks wore me out and broke me down physically. I'm talking full on PANIC ATTACK, nervous breakdown. It was NO BUENO.

Now I am waiting out the month until work starts. Making $75 a week working for my aunt. I manage to squeak by on that but just barely. My bills haven't been paid in two months. My credit that I was working so hard on protecting has been shot to hell. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that in just a couple paychecks I will be entirely caught up and back on my game. FLOOR & DECOR pays extremely well.

In the end, my take no shit attitude paid off. Furthering my belief that without RISK there is no REWARD. That having FAITH ( even if you have nothing else ) is all you need.

I had to bring this blog back because...

• I like being able to look back and reflect on things from time to time.

• I feel like my grandparents (hence Charles & Elsie) can hear the words as I type them and I want them to know exactly what is going on in my life. Crazy! I know, I know. 

• No matter who reads my blogs (like anybody actually takes the time,but if you are THANKS!) I want them to know the real me. Good, Bad, Exceptionally Fabulous ( Really!!)

I was afraid that anyone who did actually read this blog (and THANKS AGAIN if that happens to be you) would think I was not a very happy person. I actually am quite happy. I have my moments. Sometimes I have a lot of them for a long time. It is actually called depression and I am not even a bit ashamed of it. Writing helps with that though...most of the time so this is my therapy. YOU ARE MY THERAPIST! Don't go getting all preachy or anything, but should you feel the need to comment, I promise not to get offended.

Anyway... lots has been going on and I have much to catch you up on in the coming days.

Making some tough decisions...

Taking this job because I need to generate an income again.

Not taking this relationship business too seriously until I see some sign of grown up seriousness from him.

Letting go of a dead friendship.

Well I guess I spoke too soon... maybe I should have knocked on wood or something. There really must be something to jinxing things if you say them out loud or in a blog. Maybe you really can die of a broken heart too.

Good news : I have a job offer.

Bad news : It's not really what I was hoping for.

Put in tons more applications tonight. Hoping for some more phone calls this coming week. Hate to have to take a job I don't want. Makes the long hours and crap pay hard to tolerate.

Good news : My honey and I managed to talk things out.

I sure hope we can make it work. I love him beyond all sanity and reason.

Bad news : Lu was out of the backyard again today and covered in mud. We have no idea where she is getting out. All we know is my sister's idiot dog is leading the escape.

Good news :  We managed a quick walk through High Point, sans the muddy puppy, and got to scope out some ideas for the front yard. Now we just need the money to make it happen.

Bad news : My eyes are ridiculously sore from staring at this computer screen all afternoon. Definitely need to get my eyes checked. Need job with good pay to afford benefits...

Good news : I have my guy to cuddle up to and to wake up to.

Good news : Twisted, weird, and perverted as he is, my little brother keeps making me laugh and smile. I love that crazy boy.

Good news : The good outweighs the bad today.

I didn't like where this day was heading so I went back to bed. Redo. Feeling much better about things now.  Still waiting for some good news. Still breathing...still believing.

Seems I'm always going to be waiting for one who will take the lead. Every day is a new day... and then quickly turns back into the same old crap. Sad. Disappointed. Still waiting.

I lost him today. Maybe I pushed him away. Either way I have to face the fact that it is over. It wasn't meant to be after all. My love burns too hot and fast and in the end I got burned. I love to fiercely and I killed us.

Note to self : Block it from your mind. Spare your heart. Just breathe and move on.

There couldn't be a more perfect intro...

Thinking about a dog door because getting up to let Lu out every half hour is interrupting my fantastic idea of going to bed early. Also, tossing her out the window seems a bit cruel, and like a ton of work hoisting her big butt... unless she can be taught to jump back in the window. It's a thought...

As if life isn't stressful enough for me right now, I live in a mad house. It seems like no one wants to be happy. They are always looking for anything to argue about. Then there is the eating my food, and
" borrowing " my things. So glad I can run away to the boyfriend's place for some snuggles and sanity. Still waiting on my potential good news. Don't want to say anything to jinx it.

What should have been an awesome night went horribly horribly wrong. On the plus side I got to sleep with the windows open. Yay for amazing weather!  Also good things are in the works for today. #staytuned

Today's life lesson is brought to you by my desire to get through all this BS and away from those who keep shoveling it. #wouldyoulikeashovelforallthatbullshit

Finally home (well, what passes for home) after a week of staying at the boyfriend's place. His place is nice and quiet and I love that, but even in all the madness and chaos of this place it is the most relaxing place I can go. I think that is because it was my grandparent's home and where I grew up. It makes me a little sad at the state it is in. I still find a little happiness and hope here though. I hope someday I can make it a real home again.

So much stress and unhappiness lately. Makes me so much more thankful for the good times. PS. I have the sexiest boyfriend ever!!

Not having a job has really started to take a toll on me. I have zero patience for foolishness. My OCD is absolutely out of control. I don't know how to live this way.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let people get to me? Why do I let myself love people that never seem to be able to return that love? Am I just walking around with a sign on my forehead that says " Abuse me." ?
How am I supposed to continue on with my life,make it better for myself, when I just keep repeating the past?

Maybe broken souls just attract other broken souls. Maybe those souls are so desperate to be fixed, to be whole that they seek each other out. The trouble with that is the pieces don't ever truly fit, do they?

I feel so much more these days...

love, hurt, pain, sadness, happiness, confusion

The love is amazing! I have never in my life felt so much love for a man.I have never wanted, or needed someone so much in my life. I can't even begin to describe how powerfully moving it is.

Maybe such a great love is why I feel so much more of the pain.

I am so confused. How can there be such a feeling of intimacy, like we share so much of ourselves with each other, and yet that is the one thing that I am missing. How can I feel like he loves me, every bit of me. The good and bad, and then in just the time it takes to draw a single breath, I feel like he is trying to hurt me.

I think the thing that makes me the saddest of all are the moments when I feel like I am living my past over again. Those moments when the things he says or doesn't say and does or doesn't do are the very things, the very reasons I finally ran from my past to begin with. It's so sad to me because he knows. He knows exactly how I feel.

In the end, I gave him the ability to love me or hurt me. I gave him this power over me.

Being depressed sucks. It just does. The highs and lows throughout the day are exhausting. While trying to enjoy one moment, I am constantly wondering when the other shoe will drop. I am constantly worrying that the people I love will get so sick of dealing with it that they will just leave me.

After a crap night last night and a rough start to today I was really hoping for a great night. So close.
#knowwhentowalkawayknowwhentorun

Ugh! So so so past sick of things being the way they are right now. I hate having to go through my day knowing I am some place he just isn't at this stage in the game. I hate that he'd pretend to be where I am and lie to me... I love him more than words can express, but there is a very real part of me that is just unhappy. I may have mentioned more than once that I don't know how to have a relationship like this. The thing is I'm starting to think I don't want one at all. I don't know how to feel... I don't regret leaving my ex. That life was more hurt and pain than anyone should have to endure. So...why do I miss it? Because I do miss it.

Maybe it's because I knew where I stood at all times. I could control my happiness to an extent then. I feel like I am falling through nothingness now. There is nothing and no one to stop me from falling. 

I hate myself for saying this, even more so because he is going to see it, it really is like being with a child. He doesn't seem to know who he is or what he wants. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like it is going to happen. It will hurt us both. I just know that I want more than what he can give me. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of crying. I am tired of  all of it. I know that no matter how much I love him and want to be with him it will never be enough. I don't want to feel like I have to convince him to want to be with me. I just want it to be over so there doesn't have to be any more hurt. I want to cry myself to sleep for nights and nights until the tears finally stop and I can move on. At least that is what my head is telling me. My heart just wants him to hold me. To feel every bit as much as I do. My head tells me it's never gonna happen. Cue the tears.

In my experience when someone you are in a relationship with tells you they need some time alone, to themselves, some space...whatever... that isn't a good thing.

In my experience when someone has been treating you in one way and then you start feeling that shift in behavior... that isn't a good thing.

In my experience people who are unhappy with themselves, lack self confidence...whatever... hurt the ones they love the most. Rather intentional or not. 

In my experience no amount of loving someone is enough on its own.

In my experience actions speak louder than words, but silence is a killer.

Saw my kids today. This probably sounds like a good thing, but NO. There is no worse feeling in the world than your kids telling you they want nothing to do with you. I know they don't understand all that is going on. I know they run with what they hear from their dad. I miss them every moment of every day. Guess that is a feeling I better get used to.

In other news. I love my boyfriend. I love his friends. I don't love his friends trying to project their ideas of what our relationship should be onto my boyfriend. I am actually worried it is going to have a negative outcome on our relationship at this point. He already has his own set of issues (don't we all), and they are well aware of that fact, doesn't seem fair to put any more on him (doesn't seem very friendly either).

A co-worker took her little boy for his first haircut today and it made me think out loud... The boyfriend proceeded to put his foot in his mouth.

Another night of disappointment... Maybe I just wanted this to work so badly... Wondering if I will ever make the right decisions??? I want to cry so much right now, but a part of me feels like it isn't worth wasting my extensions or money... Damn!! Damn!! Damn!!

Cupcakes for dinner. Don't judge me.

I am hopelessly in love with him, but there are these little things that he does/doesn't do and says/doesn't say that remind me of my life before him. It makes me wonder if it's just me. I'd like to believe that isn't the case. I know he hasn't ever really had a serious relationship like this, and ours has been stuck on fast forward from the beginning, but I have said so many times that it is the little things that end up making the most difference. I've never been one to be impressed by grand gestures. I've always believed that the people who really know you, love you, want you don't need to blind you with extravagances. Simple,sweet gestures... those little things, little moments mean everything. Such a small thing...Is that too much to ask??
Maybe it's just me. Maybe my heart, my soul is just too damaged from my past. I know I read too much into
situations, it's a bad habit I learned. I have told him from the beginning that I don't know how to have a healthy, normal relationship. All I know is I love him. All I know is that we work. All I know is that I am terrified, have this paralyzing fear, that he will be gone and I will be left without a breath.

There are very few things I expect from people. No sense expecting more... less disappointments that way.
I definitely do not expect to come home from a long day at work and find that a fat ass Goldilocks has been playing dress up in my closet. Seriously! Ruined a dress and got who knows what on one of my work shirts.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been a good sleeper. This has just been a fact of life and I have just sleepily dealt with it.Until...an amazing, loving man. I feel such peace and this soothing calm around me when I am with him. It still takes some time to fall asleep, but the rest I get... I miss it sooo much on nights we don't spend together.

After a terrible past few days...migraines totally suck...I am feeling awesome and so happy to be spending the day with my hunnie. There is sunshine...and I packed my flops...so I'm ready for some awesomeness.

Migraines suck so hard... FML!

I couldn't be any more frustrated... why do some people have such a hard time owning their feelings?? I know how I feel and I don't care who knows it. Never been one to be afraid or back down. Life is too short... Just want to be happy...why is that so hard?

I am not even a tiny bit ashamed to say that I am beyond turned on by this car. #autoerotica, #cargasm

Too much sugar...sex talk...laughing...been awake for way too long.

I actually do like working, but these early shifts were much easier when I was being paid like a boss. Oh wait, I was the boss. I miss being the boss. I miss my little store and my staff.

No no no no!! I am not a morning person. Not now, not ever. Day one of three days of torture begins. Pray for me and everyone I encounter at work today...

Sometimes you need to tell people how much they mean to you. You can't just assume they know. You know what they say about assuming...

Woke up sad today, and never did shake it off. I have this overwhelming feeling that there are more of these days to come. I feel like they are taking me under and maybe I should just stop fighting it.

Bought actual groceries this week. I miss cooking. Now if I only had my own kitchen to cook in...

My boyfriend's cousin just had a baby. It is the sweetest thing to see him smiling such a huge smile, and being so excited over this tiny human. And just when I think I couldn't possibly love this man more he goes and says... " If I'm this excited over my cousin having a baby... can you imagine?? " OMG! Well yeah! If I wasn't thinking about it before, I sure am now. LOL!

He holds my hand...always...and I never have to reach for his first.
I catch him just staring at me...and not like I'm crazy.
He kisses me...and not just hello or goodbye...even when I'm crying and my nose is all runny.
He pulls me close... and dances with me to no music...except for when he sings to me.
He goes to the Arby's with lemonade...even if it is further away.
He asks me things like " Can we have a garden in our backyard, or do we just want to make it an awesome space for the kids to play?"...just first thing in the morning.
He tells me he loves me...and often.
He gives me his t-shirts to wear...even right off his back... because he knows I love the way he smells.
He opens the door for me.
He fixes my cell phone, tv, laptop...whatever the technology may be that is driving me insane at the moment.
He looks for mice hiding in my truck.
He can make me smile...even when I don't want to.
He offers to make me breakfast every time I stay the night...even though he knows the answer will be no.

I may or may not have consumed entirely too much crap these past few days... Pizza, chinese take-out, girl scout cookies, random candy, and soda. Seriously, I am surprised I have not been sick. I feel like I need to blame it on something so let's go with the fact that I do not have my own place any more. I am more than a little miserable. I swear to be good starting tomorrow. That isn't really me putting off until tomorrow what I could be doing today. I actually should be getting ready for work at this very moment.

Argh! So frustrated. Not living with my boyfriend is so weird and sort of off putting to me. I'm not used to being alone. I'm not good at alone. I need to be able to do alone... but it's so lonely.

It is quarter to 8 on a Sunday morning and I am listening to my little sister and her 4 yr. old daughter scream and fight over brushing the child's hair. They have the whole house awake, and ready to kill them. I didn't sleep well last night and I have to work today. Shut the hell up!

ps... It is shark week and I will kill you

I love my cold because he gave it to me...

 #findingthesilverlining #lovesick

                                     Happy Valentine's Day           

Earliest memories of happiness. I find so much comfort in these pictures. True peace. They inspire me, relax me, remind me to live, to just breathe, to love.

# allbecausetwopeoplefellinlove