UGH!! That pretty much sums up my mood today. I am beyond frustrated with my current living situation. It is not easy to move back home and live with your family after being out on your own for 16 yrs.
I miss having my own life. I miss things being quiet and clean. I miss cooking in my own kitchen, whenever the mood strikes. I miss being able to come home and relax. Right now just the very thought of going home makes me feel so much aggravation, so much frustration, so much stress.

It makes me feel terrible to feel anything less than happy to see my family. There has been so much drama these past few months due to some issues with my little sister, and adding that on top of my own personal issues is making life unbearable. Not just my own. Life is really taking a toll on everyone I love right now.

This day did not start out very well.

Waking up at quarter til 5 because you feel something crawling on you is no way to start the day. 

I don't even actually remember feeling something crawling on me. It was more like waking up and just knowing. My body was reacting before my brain woke me up. Can someone tell me why it is that when we feel something crawling on us we instinctively fling it across the room instead of killing it? Is it just me? Am I just such a fraidy cat that I need to create distance before death? I can accept that. Anyway, you know I screamed like a little girl, well maybe not as loudly as I normally would. There were other people in the house sleeping. The boyfriend, however, was gonna have to deal with. Sorry babe! We didn't find it so I couldn't go back to sleep. You know it was going to have to come back to finish the job, right?!

Naturally, I had to text mom immediately to share. Misery loves company ya know. THANK GOD she messaged me back, and that I dropped my cell phone under the bed, which in turn scared the critter out of hiding (under the bed...told you it was coming back to finish the job). Of course I had to scream across the house for the boyfriend to hurry up and come and kill it.

After all that excitement who could just go back to sleep?

So, I spent the morning working on the blogs. I am pretty happy with the results so far. Still have some more tweaks I'd like to make, but I gotta figure out how to actually go about those.

Stay tuned...

This is currently my favorite picture. I love that you can see how happy I am. I have never been this happy in my entire life. I freaking take pictures of us whenever I can. I feel like I need to capture all of this happiness, I don't really know why because I am confident we will have a lifetime of happiness together.

I died. Seriously! Just.... YES, PLEASE!!

It's been a great day and as much as I don't want it to end, I am up past my bedtime.
Wish I was cuddling up to the boyfriend. I love the feel of him. He is always just the perfect temperature.That perfect mix of warm and cool. Like a down comforter. They manage to be so comfy and keep you warm, but they actually stay quite cool. I always feel so safe snuggled up against his chest. Missing my man tonight.

It's funny how things change on such a huge scale when you change.

When you no longer allow people to walk all over you... Why no, it is absolutely not okay for you to treat me this way any longer. I'm sorry this is a problem for you. Perhaps you can find some else to trample on and bring down.

When you no longer allow a person to lie to you... I'm sorry I just prefer the company of people who are confident enough in their own self to stand behind what they say and do.

When you no longer resort to degrading yourself by participating in shouting, name calling, and fighting... I don't think I'm a better person than you. I just know I am better than the situation you are trying to drag me into.

Becoming a happier, healthier, all around better person takes a lot of work. There are so many people who you will see differently once you see yourself differently. You find out who your true friends are real fast.

So I'm sorry if someone doesn't like this better version of myself. I will continue to be this person and it becomes their own choice on how they live their lives. I will not be sorry for cutting those people out of my life who do not love, respect and encourage the person I am now.

Whoo! This day had so many ups and downs it needed a height requirement. I'm happy to say it ended on a positive note so I'll just let that erase all the bad bits. I love my guys so much! Especially MY guy though!! I am a terrible girlfriend and forgot what day it was. In my defense, as I mentioned, it was a CRAZY day.
#happy20th  #lovemymyles

If I could wake up every morning for the rest of my life to his face that would be enough. There is nothing else in this world that compares to the the first moments after I open my eyes and see him. I can't help but touch his face. I love how he barely wakes up at my touch, but he smiles this incredibly sexy smile and pulls me close, kisses me softly and wraps his arms around me. I love the way he smells, how strong his arms are and the solid feel of his chest. There is absolutely nothing better...
ABSOLUTE COMPLETE & TOTAL PERFECTION.

I love nights like these. When I can't sleep because all I can do is think about him. I can hear his voice in my head and it makes me smile. Being too excited to sleep because I know I will see him tomorrow. Haven't gotten to enjoy this feeling in a long time.

I am well past the age of believing that ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. Don't get me wrong love is definitely a powerful emotion, but love alone is not enough to keep a relationship alive.

When I think of all the things that really make up a relationship and keep it healthy and loving these are just a handful of the words that come to mind.

TRUST

HONESTY

LOYALTY

RESPECT

COMMITMENT

I'm looking at this list and thinking to myself... How are the boyfriend and I still together?

It's no secret that I have TRUST issues. I grew up in a broken family. I married a man who lied to me and cheated on me. I thought I could trust the boyfriend, but then came recent revelations... Yeah, not so much.

To be fair, he broke my trust by trying to spare my feelings, but I need to know that no matter what the consequences may be I can trust him to tell me the truth.

Clearly, TRUST & HONESTY go hand in hand. Even the tiniest lies do terrible amounts of damage to a relationship. I have always been the type of person that will just come out and tell a person what I think, have a problem with, want... to a fault even. I won't say that I have never lied.Rather to spare someone's feelings or to save my ass, I'm just as guilty as the next person. Typically the people I have lied to aren't ones I respect, love, or care for. The older I have gotten though, the more honest I have become. Hey, THE TRUTH HURTS, but it will also set you free.

I can't think of a better quality in a person than LOYALTY. I am fiercely loyal to my family and friends, and of course to the boyfriend. I will stand by the ones I love until the very end. Thus far there hasn't been an instance, to my knowledge, that his loyalty to me has been an issue. For me, I feel like I am always standing up for him in some way or another, and I do so immediately and with not a bit of hesitation.

I really don't feel like you can say that you love someone if you don't RESPECT that person. I am a firm believer that RESPECT IS EARNED and not a right. I believe if you want someone to respect you then you must have respect for yourself. I do believe there can be varying degrees of respect, but for me in a relationship if you don't have the utmost respect for your partner, you should probably be questioning why you are with that person.

The bottom line is a relationship is a COMMITMENT. Period. You have committed yourself to another person. I have such a hard time hearing people say they aren't ready for something serious,yet they want the relationship. Relationships are serious. They are serious work. If you aren't ready to be serious then don't enter into the relationship, what you are looking for is a friendship.

Then there are words like...

COMPROMISE

PATIENCE

UNDERSTANDING

I am more than willing to COMPROMISE where certain things are concerned. It's important to meet each other half way and to make an effort to work through all the issues that come up along the way. You can't expect one person to do all the compromising though. Eventually that person gets tired and becomes unwilling to bend.

They say PATIENCE is a virtue. Well, I'm pretty sure when the BIG GUY was doling out gifts he skipped me on this one. I have never been one to sit back and just wait to see what happens. Perhaps I miss out on some beautiful WOW moments by being in such a hurry, but then how can you miss what never was. I fully appreciate and enjoy every moment of the RUSH that is my life. Sometimes I'll even slow down a second, maybe rewind a moment and enjoy it all over again, but then I am off and running. Jumping head first into the next AMAZING moment. Maybe I do need to learn to slow things down, maybe I'd even enjoy life at a slower pace. I'm sure it has it moments. I just know that TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN. We are not promised tomorrow with the ones we love, so why wait for the sure thing...there is no such thing anyway.

I'm as UNDERSTANDING as the next person. Some of you who know me may be laughing at this point. I understand that we are all unique individuals. I understand that my way doesn't work for everyone. I understand that change is difficult for some people. OLD HABITS DIE HARD. I can't understand letting what could be the best thing in your life escape you because you are afraid to change. The world is constantly changing, ever evolving, and so then do we.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

This is always one of my favorite days of the year.I like to think of my birthday as my own personal New Years Day. I take some time to reflect on the past year...take some lessons with me and let the rest go. I make a new list of goals and wishes for the year.

I keep them secret, just like you are supposed to, otherwise they won't come true. I can tell you one thing though... There are some pretty fantastic things floating around in my head these days.

I actually started this post on my birthday, before it turned to crap. I had no idea that it was going to be an entire week of crappiness. And when I say crap I mean it. Each day has been worst than the last. In the end there was no celebrating with friends and/or family. All I got was another year older just like every year before. Oh, there was the near destruction of my relationship with the boyfriend,who btw changed the plans we had made for my birthday to be able to go play some imaginary fucking card game. Yes. He went and did it anyway, even knowing how hurt I was by the whole situation.


HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO ME INDEED!!

There is no feeling worse than feeling alone. Being alone by choice is one thing because there is a sense of peace in that. Being alone because no one cares enough to be with you is completely different.Not being able to ask someone to stay with you because you know there are other things they would rather be doing hurts.

Things have been crazy with the boyfriend lately. We have both been under a lot of stress and things are coming to a head. I truly don't want to lose him. I love him so much but I am so hurt. He said things to me yesterday that ripped my heart right out of my chest and ground it to a fine dust. I want to move on from it. I want us to work it out and be stronger together because of all we have gone through. I just don't know if I can. To make matters worse I know that I am going to be upset with him again tomorrow. I am already upset about it and it's not even here yet, but knowing that plans we made for my birthday have been changed so he can go play some imaginary card game make me feel worthless. It is all I can do to not cry.

Our friends tell me how much he loves me. His mother tells me she knows how much he cares about me.
I can't see it any more. I can't feel it any more. I just hear him saying "It's over" and that he is trying to give me closure over and over again in my mind. I am so heartbroken. I am so afraid that we are really over and he doesn't want me. Even worse I am afraid he will continue to lie to me to "spare my feelings" and I will never be the same. I feel like every bit of happiness has left me.


To know the way I feel...

I love him beyond all sense of reason. He is truly the love of my life.

I love everything about him and don't want to change who he is. And I want to change everybody and their mama.

I want a future with this man.

I want children with this man.



To know how he feels...

He doesn't want to move in with me because he isn't ready and may never be.

He thinks I am trying to change him.

He has a voice in his head telling him that we aren't going to work.

He wants to come and go from my life on his schedule.

He lies to me to "spare my feelings".



All I can think about is how much I love him. How much I wish I could forget the things he said. How much I wish all of this is an awful nightmare I am going to wake up from and all will be right with the world again.

I love him enough to let him go if that is what he wants. God knows it would kill me, but I love him that much. I am terrified to live a lie and the last thing I want is to destroy this beautiful man.

Let's play catch up with the job situation today.

After not working for five years ( I was home with my kids ) I went back to work seasonally for Target. This seemed like an excellent idea... Redcard discount + employee discount + coupons = Hell Yeah!! The hours were crap but that's retail for ya. It never bothered me too much because I was used to pulling long shifts from back when I managed a Beall's Outlet ( best/worst job ever ) in Florida. So, Target kept me on after I pretty much begged to keep my job. It really wasn't for the discount at this point,the whole we're getting a divorce and I'm leaving right now with nothing was happening. Enter Myles, ( aka LOVE OF MY LIFE ) and co-worker. Who knew that Target could bring me so much awesomeness?! Sadly, the love affair with Target was destined to end. I know I am this amazing work horse of a woman but EVERY WEEKEND, C'mon! I requested a schedule change so that I could either be off evenings on Saturday or mornings on Sunday for Church. I was really missing that part of my life and felt a sudden overwhelming urge to correct the matter. When they wouldn't even consider working on a compromise of any kind. I did the unthinkable... I walked out. A tiny bit afraid. A whole lot pissed off. Very proud that I was still standing my ground and continuing the take no shit from anyone attitude I had at one time abandoned.

An entire month went by... maybe even a little more than that. I lost track as the jobless depression set in. Lord knows I was applying to everything possible.

I finally got a call back from Ross and interviewed for a management position that never happened. They really could have used me that's for sure. I took the crap part time position they offered and kept up the job search. There was all sorts of talk about making me front end management, but YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE. I got a call for an interview after just two weeks for a brand new store coming to town that I had applied for a management position with. I was not going to let another one get past me. I am damn good at my job and after all the shit I have been dealing with I damn well deserve a great job.

I was offered that assistant manager position on the spot. Thank you FLOOR & DECOR for seeing my amazingness!! That has to have been the best day in years for me. Finally!! The only downside is the store isn't quite built yet and that puts me at Ross for an entire month and a half. Ha! No it doesn't. I took another giant risk ( or leap of faith depending on how you look at it ) and walked out on them. I would have gladly kept working for them had there been even an ounce of respect given to me. Those folks wore me out and broke me down physically. I'm talking full on PANIC ATTACK, nervous breakdown. It was NO BUENO.

Now I am waiting out the month until work starts. Making $75 a week working for my aunt. I manage to squeak by on that but just barely. My bills haven't been paid in two months. My credit that I was working so hard on protecting has been shot to hell. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that in just a couple paychecks I will be entirely caught up and back on my game. FLOOR & DECOR pays extremely well.

In the end, my take no shit attitude paid off. Furthering my belief that without RISK there is no REWARD. That having FAITH ( even if you have nothing else ) is all you need.

I had to bring this blog back because...

• I like being able to look back and reflect on things from time to time.

• I feel like my grandparents (hence Charles & Elsie) can hear the words as I type them and I want them to know exactly what is going on in my life. Crazy! I know, I know. 

• No matter who reads my blogs (like anybody actually takes the time,but if you are THANKS!) I want them to know the real me. Good, Bad, Exceptionally Fabulous ( Really!!)

I was afraid that anyone who did actually read this blog (and THANKS AGAIN if that happens to be you) would think I was not a very happy person. I actually am quite happy. I have my moments. Sometimes I have a lot of them for a long time. It is actually called depression and I am not even a bit ashamed of it. Writing helps with that though...most of the time so this is my therapy. YOU ARE MY THERAPIST! Don't go getting all preachy or anything, but should you feel the need to comment, I promise not to get offended.

Anyway... lots has been going on and I have much to catch you up on in the coming days.