Making some tough decisions...

Taking this job because I need to generate an income again.

Not taking this relationship business too seriously until I see some sign of grown up seriousness from him.

Letting go of a dead friendship.

Well I guess I spoke too soon... maybe I should have knocked on wood or something. There really must be something to jinxing things if you say them out loud or in a blog. Maybe you really can die of a broken heart too.

Good news : I have a job offer.

Bad news : It's not really what I was hoping for.

Put in tons more applications tonight. Hoping for some more phone calls this coming week. Hate to have to take a job I don't want. Makes the long hours and crap pay hard to tolerate.

Good news : My honey and I managed to talk things out.

I sure hope we can make it work. I love him beyond all sanity and reason.

Bad news : Lu was out of the backyard again today and covered in mud. We have no idea where she is getting out. All we know is my sister's idiot dog is leading the escape.

Good news :  We managed a quick walk through High Point, sans the muddy puppy, and got to scope out some ideas for the front yard. Now we just need the money to make it happen.

Bad news : My eyes are ridiculously sore from staring at this computer screen all afternoon. Definitely need to get my eyes checked. Need job with good pay to afford benefits...

Good news : I have my guy to cuddle up to and to wake up to.

Good news : Twisted, weird, and perverted as he is, my little brother keeps making me laugh and smile. I love that crazy boy.

Good news : The good outweighs the bad today.

I didn't like where this day was heading so I went back to bed. Redo. Feeling much better about things now.  Still waiting for some good news. Still breathing...still believing.

Seems I'm always going to be waiting for one who will take the lead. Every day is a new day... and then quickly turns back into the same old crap. Sad. Disappointed. Still waiting.

I lost him today. Maybe I pushed him away. Either way I have to face the fact that it is over. It wasn't meant to be after all. My love burns too hot and fast and in the end I got burned. I love to fiercely and I killed us.

Note to self : Block it from your mind. Spare your heart. Just breathe and move on.

There couldn't be a more perfect intro...

Thinking about a dog door because getting up to let Lu out every half hour is interrupting my fantastic idea of going to bed early. Also, tossing her out the window seems a bit cruel, and like a ton of work hoisting her big butt... unless she can be taught to jump back in the window. It's a thought...

As if life isn't stressful enough for me right now, I live in a mad house. It seems like no one wants to be happy. They are always looking for anything to argue about. Then there is the eating my food, and
" borrowing " my things. So glad I can run away to the boyfriend's place for some snuggles and sanity. Still waiting on my potential good news. Don't want to say anything to jinx it.

What should have been an awesome night went horribly horribly wrong. On the plus side I got to sleep with the windows open. Yay for amazing weather!  Also good things are in the works for today. #staytuned

Today's life lesson is brought to you by my desire to get through all this BS and away from those who keep shoveling it. #wouldyoulikeashovelforallthatbullshit

Finally home (well, what passes for home) after a week of staying at the boyfriend's place. His place is nice and quiet and I love that, but even in all the madness and chaos of this place it is the most relaxing place I can go. I think that is because it was my grandparent's home and where I grew up. It makes me a little sad at the state it is in. I still find a little happiness and hope here though. I hope someday I can make it a real home again.

So much stress and unhappiness lately. Makes me so much more thankful for the good times. PS. I have the sexiest boyfriend ever!!

Not having a job has really started to take a toll on me. I have zero patience for foolishness. My OCD is absolutely out of control. I don't know how to live this way.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let people get to me? Why do I let myself love people that never seem to be able to return that love? Am I just walking around with a sign on my forehead that says " Abuse me." ?
How am I supposed to continue on with my life,make it better for myself, when I just keep repeating the past?

Maybe broken souls just attract other broken souls. Maybe those souls are so desperate to be fixed, to be whole that they seek each other out. The trouble with that is the pieces don't ever truly fit, do they?

I feel so much more these days...

love, hurt, pain, sadness, happiness, confusion

The love is amazing! I have never in my life felt so much love for a man.I have never wanted, or needed someone so much in my life. I can't even begin to describe how powerfully moving it is.

Maybe such a great love is why I feel so much more of the pain.

I am so confused. How can there be such a feeling of intimacy, like we share so much of ourselves with each other, and yet that is the one thing that I am missing. How can I feel like he loves me, every bit of me. The good and bad, and then in just the time it takes to draw a single breath, I feel like he is trying to hurt me.

I think the thing that makes me the saddest of all are the moments when I feel like I am living my past over again. Those moments when the things he says or doesn't say and does or doesn't do are the very things, the very reasons I finally ran from my past to begin with. It's so sad to me because he knows. He knows exactly how I feel.

In the end, I gave him the ability to love me or hurt me. I gave him this power over me.