Being depressed sucks. It just does. The highs and lows throughout the day are exhausting. While trying to enjoy one moment, I am constantly wondering when the other shoe will drop. I am constantly worrying that the people I love will get so sick of dealing with it that they will just leave me.

After a crap night last night and a rough start to today I was really hoping for a great night. So close.
#knowwhentowalkawayknowwhentorun

Ugh! So so so past sick of things being the way they are right now. I hate having to go through my day knowing I am some place he just isn't at this stage in the game. I hate that he'd pretend to be where I am and lie to me... I love him more than words can express, but there is a very real part of me that is just unhappy. I may have mentioned more than once that I don't know how to have a relationship like this. The thing is I'm starting to think I don't want one at all. I don't know how to feel... I don't regret leaving my ex. That life was more hurt and pain than anyone should have to endure. So...why do I miss it? Because I do miss it.

Maybe it's because I knew where I stood at all times. I could control my happiness to an extent then. I feel like I am falling through nothingness now. There is nothing and no one to stop me from falling. 

I hate myself for saying this, even more so because he is going to see it, it really is like being with a child. He doesn't seem to know who he is or what he wants. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like it is going to happen. It will hurt us both. I just know that I want more than what he can give me. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of crying. I am tired of  all of it. I know that no matter how much I love him and want to be with him it will never be enough. I don't want to feel like I have to convince him to want to be with me. I just want it to be over so there doesn't have to be any more hurt. I want to cry myself to sleep for nights and nights until the tears finally stop and I can move on. At least that is what my head is telling me. My heart just wants him to hold me. To feel every bit as much as I do. My head tells me it's never gonna happen. Cue the tears.

In my experience when someone you are in a relationship with tells you they need some time alone, to themselves, some space...whatever... that isn't a good thing.

In my experience when someone has been treating you in one way and then you start feeling that shift in behavior... that isn't a good thing.

In my experience people who are unhappy with themselves, lack self confidence...whatever... hurt the ones they love the most. Rather intentional or not. 

In my experience no amount of loving someone is enough on its own.

In my experience actions speak louder than words, but silence is a killer.

Saw my kids today. This probably sounds like a good thing, but NO. There is no worse feeling in the world than your kids telling you they want nothing to do with you. I know they don't understand all that is going on. I know they run with what they hear from their dad. I miss them every moment of every day. Guess that is a feeling I better get used to.

In other news. I love my boyfriend. I love his friends. I don't love his friends trying to project their ideas of what our relationship should be onto my boyfriend. I am actually worried it is going to have a negative outcome on our relationship at this point. He already has his own set of issues (don't we all), and they are well aware of that fact, doesn't seem fair to put any more on him (doesn't seem very friendly either).

A co-worker took her little boy for his first haircut today and it made me think out loud... The boyfriend proceeded to put his foot in his mouth.

Another night of disappointment... Maybe I just wanted this to work so badly... Wondering if I will ever make the right decisions??? I want to cry so much right now, but a part of me feels like it isn't worth wasting my extensions or money... Damn!! Damn!! Damn!!

Cupcakes for dinner. Don't judge me.

I am hopelessly in love with him, but there are these little things that he does/doesn't do and says/doesn't say that remind me of my life before him. It makes me wonder if it's just me. I'd like to believe that isn't the case. I know he hasn't ever really had a serious relationship like this, and ours has been stuck on fast forward from the beginning, but I have said so many times that it is the little things that end up making the most difference. I've never been one to be impressed by grand gestures. I've always believed that the people who really know you, love you, want you don't need to blind you with extravagances. Simple,sweet gestures... those little things, little moments mean everything. Such a small thing...Is that too much to ask??
Maybe it's just me. Maybe my heart, my soul is just too damaged from my past. I know I read too much into
situations, it's a bad habit I learned. I have told him from the beginning that I don't know how to have a healthy, normal relationship. All I know is I love him. All I know is that we work. All I know is that I am terrified, have this paralyzing fear, that he will be gone and I will be left without a breath.

There are very few things I expect from people. No sense expecting more... less disappointments that way.
I definitely do not expect to come home from a long day at work and find that a fat ass Goldilocks has been playing dress up in my closet. Seriously! Ruined a dress and got who knows what on one of my work shirts.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been a good sleeper. This has just been a fact of life and I have just sleepily dealt with it.Until...an amazing, loving man. I feel such peace and this soothing calm around me when I am with him. It still takes some time to fall asleep, but the rest I get... I miss it sooo much on nights we don't spend together.

After a terrible past few days...migraines totally suck...I am feeling awesome and so happy to be spending the day with my hunnie. There is sunshine...and I packed my flops...so I'm ready for some awesomeness.

Migraines suck so hard... FML!

I couldn't be any more frustrated... why do some people have such a hard time owning their feelings?? I know how I feel and I don't care who knows it. Never been one to be afraid or back down. Life is too short... Just want to be happy...why is that so hard?

I am not even a tiny bit ashamed to say that I am beyond turned on by this car. #autoerotica, #cargasm

Too much sugar...sex talk...laughing...been awake for way too long.

I actually do like working, but these early shifts were much easier when I was being paid like a boss. Oh wait, I was the boss. I miss being the boss. I miss my little store and my staff.

No no no no!! I am not a morning person. Not now, not ever. Day one of three days of torture begins. Pray for me and everyone I encounter at work today...

Sometimes you need to tell people how much they mean to you. You can't just assume they know. You know what they say about assuming...

Woke up sad today, and never did shake it off. I have this overwhelming feeling that there are more of these days to come. I feel like they are taking me under and maybe I should just stop fighting it.

Bought actual groceries this week. I miss cooking. Now if I only had my own kitchen to cook in...