@ Charles & Elsie

Ugh! So so so past sick of things being the way they are right now. I hate having to go through my day knowing I am some place he just isn't at this stage in the game. I hate that he'd pretend to be where I am and lie to me... I love him more than words can express, but there is a very real part of me that is just unhappy. I may have mentioned more than once that I don't know how to have a relationship like this. The thing is I'm starting to think I don't want one at all. I don't know how to feel... I don't regret leaving my ex. That life was more hurt and pain than anyone should have to endure. So...why do I miss it? Because I do miss it.

Maybe it's because I knew where I stood at all times. I could control my happiness to an extent then. I feel like I am falling through nothingness now. There is nothing and no one to stop me from falling. 

I hate myself for saying this, even more so because he is going to see it, it really is like being with a child. He doesn't seem to know who he is or what he wants. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like it is going to happen. It will hurt us both. I just know that I want more than what he can give me. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of crying. I am tired of  all of it. I know that no matter how much I love him and want to be with him it will never be enough. I don't want to feel like I have to convince him to want to be with me. I just want it to be over so there doesn't have to be any more hurt. I want to cry myself to sleep for nights and nights until the tears finally stop and I can move on. At least that is what my head is telling me. My heart just wants him to hold me. To feel every bit as much as I do. My head tells me it's never gonna happen. Cue the tears.