I was going to delete this blog because I have two and I don't really feel the need for this one any more. Thankfully, I am in a much more stable, happier chapter of my life. As I looked back over the posts I realized I couldn't just throw all those thoughts, feelings, hopes and pain away. They are like scars now. Wounds that have healed. Badges of honor from a war within. They serve as a reminder of the biggest change in my entire life. Struggles I went through as I became who am I today. This blog truly served a purpose far greater than I ever could have realized when it began.
So with this last post I say thank you and farewell.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Monday, September 23, 2013
After a horrible last month, I am back and better than ever. STRONGER than ever! I may have lost everything, and by everything I mean my kids, my credit, some friends and even some family. I am not letting this swallow me up. I am not letting the emotional abuse of the past weigh me down. There is no leverage left to pin me with. I may have been down for a while, but I am most certainly not out. I was backed into the corner as far as I could be and I held my ground and now I am coming out swinging. I am taking back what is worth salvaging, cutting the rest loose and moving on. Taking no prisoners. If you aren't with me then you better move out of the way. I am taking out obstacles by whatever means necessary.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
One wrong decision can change everything.
My mother drilled that into my brain growing up. It's funny that I applied that only to things I considered wrong or dangerous. It never occurred to me that this was the case in all aspects of life.
Now I can look back on decisions I made and clearly see the right choice vs. the choice I made. Good ol' hindsight!
So that means I've learned my lesson... Right?
Yeah right!
I have learned that sometimes right now, and right months from now, and even right years from now are not guarantees of right forever. Sadly, learning this has made me doubt every turn of my right now. It takes the fun out of moments that should become happy memories, and I really could use some of those after the year I have been having.
My mother drilled that into my brain growing up. It's funny that I applied that only to things I considered wrong or dangerous. It never occurred to me that this was the case in all aspects of life.
Now I can look back on decisions I made and clearly see the right choice vs. the choice I made. Good ol' hindsight!
So that means I've learned my lesson... Right?
Yeah right!
I have learned that sometimes right now, and right months from now, and even right years from now are not guarantees of right forever. Sadly, learning this has made me doubt every turn of my right now. It takes the fun out of moments that should become happy memories, and I really could use some of those after the year I have been having.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
It's almost time to move. Just 4 more days,well 3 I guess if you consider that we are moving on day 4. I should be excited but I am anything but. I keep wondering if I am making a mistake. I can't remember a time, in my entire life, when I felt like moving was a good thing. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point because it is happening. I am praying for good weather and that I wake up on moving day in a good mood.
Friday, August 9, 2013
It's about time to catch up on all my crazy emotional drama.
The job has been quite the rollercoaster. It is one of those jobs that you just love to hate some days. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the bathroom and broken down in the middle stall. Not really because of work, life has been rough and the added stress of getting the store open just did me in some days. I am pretty proud of myself for sticking it out. I am definitely in a take no shit place in my life these days. I am quick to call BS and walk away.
The boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch. He is new to the whole relationship song and dance and I just find his cluelessness a tad bit frustrating at times. Ok a lot of times. I am still trying to get used to a different life than I once lived. He really is the most amazing guy though and if you have any doubts just sit back and listen to this...
After all the craziness of the past 7 months things seemed to be settling down, we've been living together at his place and falling into a comfortable rhythm. Enter a guy I haven't seen or heard from in 18 years. How ridiculous is it that I can say it has been that long since anything?! I don't feel that old...most days. Anyway...
This guy was the love of my middle school life.I was absolutely devastated when I lost him. We never really had a chance then....but now? Things picked up right where they left off. Conversations were so easy. There were possibilities... enough of them that I told the BF all about it. I'm no cheater. AAANNDD I jumped through a ton of hoops to get out of town one weekend to go and see him. With a no sex disclaimer. I didn't even feel a tiny bit of hesitation, not even walking into that hotel room and seeing him for the first time in forever. OMG!! He was such a sight. I swear you have no idea how much you miss somebody... Having his arms wrapped around me and breathing in the smell of him was... STUPID DISCLAIMER! I haven't felt so complete in a long time. If ever there were soulmates... Leaving him again after all these years broke me. Literally. After I got back home I was so lonely for him. He really was taken aback by all of it I guess because he completely shut down and I didn't hear from him. I was stressing out so much over all the feelings I had crashing around in my brain that my body started fighting back. I was in ridiculous, immobilizing pain. The boyfriend was by my side through all the tears and pain. In the ER, up all night with me because the pain was unbearable. All the while knowing all I wanted was someone else. What kind of man does such a thing? How much must he really love me to endure such treatment? I couldn't have felt worse, I nearly lost my job because I just said screw it and wallowed in my misery. I finally snapped out of the ridiculous state I had put myself in and got a grip on reality again. Well as much as I could muster anyway.
I know that I love that lost love and always will, but he is just that. A love lost. A love missed. A love wanted. A love too late. He is also a friend I would move mountains for and will fiercely protect. He is a friend I can't wait to get away and visit again. He is a friend that is so much more than a friend because of our history. I still hear his voice in my head and sometimes I have to whisper to him to shut up. Yes, I know it sounds crazy.
The boyfriend is home. He is all that is good and right. We have put a ton of blood, sweat and tears into this relationship. If ever there were two people that were meant to be together... I truly do love him and all that he is. I know that he would move mountains to make me happy and I do my best to do the same for him. After all that has happened I'm sure I'm not worthy of all that love and devotion.
So there it is, the whole ugly, terrible truth. I know I am a terrible person. I know. I do. Knowing it doesn't change how I feel even a little bit though.
The job has been quite the rollercoaster. It is one of those jobs that you just love to hate some days. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the bathroom and broken down in the middle stall. Not really because of work, life has been rough and the added stress of getting the store open just did me in some days. I am pretty proud of myself for sticking it out. I am definitely in a take no shit place in my life these days. I am quick to call BS and walk away.
The boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch. He is new to the whole relationship song and dance and I just find his cluelessness a tad bit frustrating at times. Ok a lot of times. I am still trying to get used to a different life than I once lived. He really is the most amazing guy though and if you have any doubts just sit back and listen to this...
After all the craziness of the past 7 months things seemed to be settling down, we've been living together at his place and falling into a comfortable rhythm. Enter a guy I haven't seen or heard from in 18 years. How ridiculous is it that I can say it has been that long since anything?! I don't feel that old...most days. Anyway...
This guy was the love of my middle school life.I was absolutely devastated when I lost him. We never really had a chance then....but now? Things picked up right where they left off. Conversations were so easy. There were possibilities... enough of them that I told the BF all about it. I'm no cheater. AAANNDD I jumped through a ton of hoops to get out of town one weekend to go and see him. With a no sex disclaimer. I didn't even feel a tiny bit of hesitation, not even walking into that hotel room and seeing him for the first time in forever. OMG!! He was such a sight. I swear you have no idea how much you miss somebody... Having his arms wrapped around me and breathing in the smell of him was... STUPID DISCLAIMER! I haven't felt so complete in a long time. If ever there were soulmates... Leaving him again after all these years broke me. Literally. After I got back home I was so lonely for him. He really was taken aback by all of it I guess because he completely shut down and I didn't hear from him. I was stressing out so much over all the feelings I had crashing around in my brain that my body started fighting back. I was in ridiculous, immobilizing pain. The boyfriend was by my side through all the tears and pain. In the ER, up all night with me because the pain was unbearable. All the while knowing all I wanted was someone else. What kind of man does such a thing? How much must he really love me to endure such treatment? I couldn't have felt worse, I nearly lost my job because I just said screw it and wallowed in my misery. I finally snapped out of the ridiculous state I had put myself in and got a grip on reality again. Well as much as I could muster anyway.
I know that I love that lost love and always will, but he is just that. A love lost. A love missed. A love wanted. A love too late. He is also a friend I would move mountains for and will fiercely protect. He is a friend I can't wait to get away and visit again. He is a friend that is so much more than a friend because of our history. I still hear his voice in my head and sometimes I have to whisper to him to shut up. Yes, I know it sounds crazy.
The boyfriend is home. He is all that is good and right. We have put a ton of blood, sweat and tears into this relationship. If ever there were two people that were meant to be together... I truly do love him and all that he is. I know that he would move mountains to make me happy and I do my best to do the same for him. After all that has happened I'm sure I'm not worthy of all that love and devotion.
So there it is, the whole ugly, terrible truth. I know I am a terrible person. I know. I do. Knowing it doesn't change how I feel even a little bit though.
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