It's about time to catch up on all my crazy emotional drama.
The job has been quite the rollercoaster. It is one of those jobs that you just love to hate some days. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the bathroom and broken down in the middle stall. Not really because of work, life has been rough and the added stress of getting the store open just did me in some days. I am pretty proud of myself for sticking it out. I am definitely in a take no shit place in my life these days. I am quick to call BS and walk away.
The boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch. He is new to the whole relationship song and dance and I just find his cluelessness a tad bit frustrating at times. Ok a lot of times. I am still trying to get used to a different life than I once lived. He really is the most amazing guy though and if you have any doubts just sit back and listen to this...
After all the craziness of the past 7 months things seemed to be settling down, we've been living together at his place and falling into a comfortable rhythm. Enter a guy I haven't seen or heard from in 18 years. How ridiculous is it that I can say it has been that long since anything?! I don't feel that old...most days. Anyway...
This guy was the love of my middle school life.I was absolutely devastated when I lost him. We never really had a chance then....but now? Things picked up right where they left off. Conversations were so easy. There were possibilities... enough of them that I told the BF all about it. I'm no cheater. AAANNDD I jumped through a ton of hoops to get out of town one weekend to go and see him. With a no sex disclaimer. I didn't even feel a tiny bit of hesitation, not even walking into that hotel room and seeing him for the first time in forever. OMG!! He was such a sight. I swear you have no idea how much you miss somebody... Having his arms wrapped around me and breathing in the smell of him was... STUPID DISCLAIMER! I haven't felt so complete in a long time. If ever there were soulmates... Leaving him again after all these years broke me. Literally. After I got back home I was so lonely for him. He really was taken aback by all of it I guess because he completely shut down and I didn't hear from him. I was stressing out so much over all the feelings I had crashing around in my brain that my body started fighting back. I was in ridiculous, immobilizing pain. The boyfriend was by my side through all the tears and pain. In the ER, up all night with me because the pain was unbearable. All the while knowing all I wanted was someone else. What kind of man does such a thing? How much must he really love me to endure such treatment? I couldn't have felt worse, I nearly lost my job because I just said screw it and wallowed in my misery. I finally snapped out of the ridiculous state I had put myself in and got a grip on reality again. Well as much as I could muster anyway.
I know that I love that lost love and always will, but he is just that. A love lost. A love missed. A love wanted. A love too late. He is also a friend I would move mountains for and will fiercely protect. He is a friend I can't wait to get away and visit again. He is a friend that is so much more than a friend because of our history. I still hear his voice in my head and sometimes I have to whisper to him to shut up. Yes, I know it sounds crazy.
The boyfriend is home. He is all that is good and right. We have put a ton of blood, sweat and tears into this relationship. If ever there were two people that were meant to be together... I truly do love him and all that he is. I know that he would move mountains to make me happy and I do my best to do the same for him. After all that has happened I'm sure I'm not worthy of all that love and devotion.
So there it is, the whole ugly, terrible truth. I know I am a terrible person. I know. I do. Knowing it doesn't change how I feel even a little bit though.
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