Things have been crazy with the boyfriend lately. We have both been under a lot of stress and things are coming to a head. I truly don't want to lose him. I love him so much but I am so hurt. He said things to me yesterday that ripped my heart right out of my chest and ground it to a fine dust. I want to move on from it. I want us to work it out and be stronger together because of all we have gone through. I just don't know if I can. To make matters worse I know that I am going to be upset with him again tomorrow. I am already upset about it and it's not even here yet, but knowing that plans we made for my birthday have been changed so he can go play some imaginary card game make me feel worthless. It is all I can do to not cry.
Our friends tell me how much he loves me. His mother tells me she knows how much he cares about me.
I can't see it any more. I can't feel it any more. I just hear him saying "It's over" and that he is trying to give me closure over and over again in my mind. I am so heartbroken. I am so afraid that we are really over and he doesn't want me. Even worse I am afraid he will continue to lie to me to "spare my feelings" and I will never be the same. I feel like every bit of happiness has left me.
To know the way I feel...
I love him beyond all sense of reason. He is truly the love of my life.
I love everything about him and don't want to change who he is. And I want to change everybody and their mama.
I want a future with this man.
I want children with this man.
To know how he feels...
He doesn't want to move in with me because he isn't ready and may never be.
He thinks I am trying to change him.
He has a voice in his head telling him that we aren't going to work.
He wants to come and go from my life on his schedule.
He lies to me to "spare my feelings".
All I can think about is how much I love him. How much I wish I could forget the things he said. How much I wish all of this is an awful nightmare I am going to wake up from and all will be right with the world again.
I love him enough to let him go if that is what he wants. God knows it would kill me, but I love him that much. I am terrified to live a lie and the last thing I want is to destroy this beautiful man.
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